Looking for a marriage that works?
Money is great. Sex? Awesome. But a marriage that really works requires a
husband and wife who can communicate! It's a topic we hear all the time.
Research conducted by The Joy of Marriage in collaboration with The Heart of
Marriage Retreat shows that a staggering 62% of respondents cited communication
as the primary source of conflict in their marriage when conflict arises.
That's why we started this series of blogs, "Why Can't We Talk?" This
is our final installment: "Can You Hear Me Now?"
In our previous blogs, we explored why
you should Assume
Good Intent and In
Order To Listen You Must Listen to your spouse. Now, in our final installment,
we focus on another critical aspect, expressing yourself clearly. Too often, we
are not clear in our conversations with our spouse and leave too much for them
to assume. We can't understand why we're misunderstood because we are not clear
in our communication. Let's take a deeper look.
Speak Clearly and Specifically
When communicating with your spouse,
clarity is paramount. Speaking in generalities often leads to
misunderstandings. For instance, saying "You never help around the
house" is vague and likely to be met with defensiveness. Instead, try
"I felt overwhelmed doing the dishes alone last night. Can we share that
chore in the future?" This specific request is much more likely to be
understood and acted upon.
Avoid Misleading Terms
Sometimes, in an attempt to soften
our words or avoid conflict, we end up being misleading, leading to a bigger
issue. Phrases like "It's fine," "Whatever you want," and
the often used "nothing's wrong," can create confusion and frustration. And by
the way, your spouse can read right through that response. Be honest and direct
about your feelings and needs. If something is bothering you, express it
clearly and calmly, rather than expecting your spouse to read between the
lines.
Tone and Body Language Matter
Communication isn't just about
words. Your tone and body language play a crucial role in how your message is
received. Sarcasm, raised voices, or crossed arms can contradict your words and
escalate conflicts. Aim to use a calm, respectful tone and open body language.
Smile, make eye contact, and ensure your non-verbal cues align with your verbal
message. Pointing at your spouse as you are talking to them sets off red flags,
just the same as standing while they're sitting and other more offensive body
movements. Be aware of what your tone and body language are telling your
spouse. As the saying goes, "What
you do speaks so loudly I cannot hear what you are saying."
Create a Safe Space for Dialogue
A safe, non-judgmental environment
encourages open communication. Avoid interrupting or dismissing your spouse's
feelings, even if you disagree. Listen without judgment and acknowledge their
perspective. This creates a foundation of trust and openness, making it easier
to address issues constructively. Some couples find it a good idea to actually
have a physical "safe space" in their home where they are free to share and be
transparent without fear of repercussions. The kitchen table is often a favorite
spot for this. BTW, the bedroom is not recommended. This is a great way of
introducing the kind of non-judgmental environment that fosters good communication
in a marriage.
Understand the Importance of Timing
Timing can significantly impact the
effectiveness of your communication. Discussing sensitive topics when one of
you is stressed, tired, or distracted can lead to misunderstandings and
conflict. Interrupting a football game or the latest movie on The Hallmark Channel
is not the most effective time to express your feelings or convince your spouse
to follow along with something that you want. Choose a time when both of you
are relaxed, calm and undistracted. This will give the conversation the
attention it deserves.
Conclusion - Communicating in a marriage takes work
Improving communication in your
marriage is a continuous journey that requires effort, patience, and
understanding. Speak clearly, avoid misleading terms, be mindful of your tone
and body language, create a safe space, and choose your timing wisely. These are
the ways in which you help your spouse hear you clearly and express yourself
more effectively. The result is hopefully avoiding or at least reducing
misunderstandings in your marriage. Remember, your goal is not just to be heard
but to be understood.
As we wrap up our 3 part blog series
asking the question "Why Can't We Talk," we urge you to continue to find ways I
which to foster effective communication in your marriage. Let's embrace the
wisdom from Proverbs 15:1: "A gentle answer turns away wrath, but a harsh
word stirs up anger." Let's also remember the words of James 1:19: "My
dear brothers and sisters, take note of this: Everyone should be quick to
listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry." Let's work to develop clear,
compassionate communication and pave the way for harmony, understanding, and a
stronger marriage.